Tuesday, 1 August 2017

Update

Hello Everyone 😊

Wow, it's been a while since I have written properly on here. My motivation is lacking, basically, it's in the shit bin! (This might not make sense, just writing what I feel)
I have always tried to be as "frank" as possible on here, lying gets you nowhere in life. This blog is an expression of my life, this might sound stupid as hell, but I love this blog, I love writing about anything. I check my views multiple times during the day, every day, seeing what people have been reading and hopefully enjoying what I write.
So to be as real as possible, I will tell you the realness with my mental health. If you know me, then you know I'm a negative person, always have been, I'm my worst critic. Having depression + autism + negativity is the worst. My brain is constantly on, it never shuts off when I sleep, everything is heightened, I can't relax at all, the slightest thing can piss me off, now add that to depression, every day I wake up, wishing I didn't, would I be better off dead, is there any point in living a life going no where, why do I want to live in a world that is going to shit. My problem; couldn't kill myself if I tried, I'm afraid of death, leaving this world in pain, terrifies me, what happens to my family, my cats, my possessions, what happens to my blog and my social media, its stupid to think about, but in this day and age, its all we think about really.
When you read this, you'll probably think I need help. But I don't really, I'm not going to kill myself, I have lived with this feeling all my life and 26 years later, I am still here.
Yes, sometimes, I need to vent, usually twitter and instagram get the worst of it.
But, I know, my problems are not as worse as some people have it, I'm not dying of an incurable disease, I have not been raped, attacked or been put in a life and death situation.
My life now, is nothing. I do nothing, every day life is the same, I go to sleep, I wake, watch tv, play games, sleep more, eat. That's it! Most of my time is spent alone, I rarely go out and when I do, I'm with my family.
I live off my benefits and do nothing to support my mum at home because I am lazy and selfish.
I wish I wasn't negative all the time, but shit happens.
I try to be happy when I'm not but no one never knows as I don't show it.
I didn't want my blog to go down this route of being negative and depressive, But I can't shy away from what I'm feeling, in my mind, I am still that immature 16 year old who doesn't want to grow up. I don't feel like an adult, even though I do have bills to pay. I don't want to get older, I want to keep playing the sims and watching Barbie films forever. I refuse to grow up for anyone.
I hope this post hasn't angered anyone, feel free to private message me on Twitter

I'm hoping to be happier soon, I bought some sports clothes, I'm fat and its getting harder to walk, so I'm determined to lose weight by walking everyday. I did hear somewhere that exercise is good for depression, lets hope so.

Also hoping to produce more content this month too. Get my blog back to normal again and maybe less depressive posts in the future.

Love, Emma xxx
Thank you for visiting my blog, feel free to follow and comment, Emma xxx